how many lessons will it take learnerdriverhub funstuff

Pete looked into his rear-view mirror. A police vehicle directed him to stop at the roadside, which he did. Soon reporters and police surrounded puzzled Pete.

I did nothing wrong? What’s going on? he protested. "You didn’t do anything wrong" said the policeman. "You are the three millionth car to travel this road and have won 15 000 dollars."

"You beauty" exclaimed Pete, "that means I can afford some driving lessons now and get my licence."

The horrified policeman didn’t know what to do, when Pete’s wife tried to save the day: "Don’t believe a word he says, officer, he is too drunk to think clearly!" To top it off mother-in-law shouted from the back seat: "See, I told you not to drive in a stolen car!"

But Pete was an "Outside the Square" thinker. When Pete’s court case finally arrived he was charged with driving without a licence, drink driving and driving a stolen vehicle. "How do you plead?" asked the judge. "Guilty your honour," replied honest Pete.

Handing down sentence the judge said: "You have been found guilty of all charges. The penalty is 5000 dollars or 7 years jail. Which do you prefer?

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border
checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5
people in a Quattro."

"What do you mean it is illegal?" asked the Englishmen.
"Quattro means four" replies Paddy.

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts
disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."
"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy
"Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are
therefore breaking the law."

The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over
I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

Some years ago, when my hair was even more blond than it is now, the following scenario took place. My young lady student and I were waiting at traffic lights. She said: “This is embarrassing, they are all looking at us.”

I tried to reassure her: “Don’t worry, they (other drivers) are not looking at us because you are a learner. People just like to admire a good looking blond.

I couldn’t help myself and made a joke out of it. “What made you think I was talking about YOU?”

First learner: "I had 10 lessons with my instructor, and every time I gear change from first to second gear, I crunch the gear box. My instructor had to replace it three times already".

Second learner: "I had twenty lessons and every time I change from second gear to third gear the steering wheel moves sideways. I ran up three posts while gear changing".

Not me. One of my clients. She used to say sorry every time I corrected her after a mistake. And there were many, both sorrys and mistakes.

After another mistake came the obligatory sorry. "Never mind, I assured her, let’s try again".

"Don’t be sorry, just keep off the footpath, please!". After a while the sorries got on my nerves more than driving on the footpath.

How I wished this student would meet my wife and teach her to say sorry. (Sorry, didn’t mean to write that).

Sensing the raised tone of my voice, she replied: (You guessed it): “I’m sorry”.

In the 1960’s, before Sweden finally changed from driving on the right hand side of the road, a fierce debate was raging. Like most European countries it made sense to change over from driving on the left-hand side of the road.

After many arguments to and fro, someone suggested a compromise: ‘Why don’t we try trucks and buses first for a month. If it works, cars follow a month later.

Approaching a red traffic light, the Reverend noticed in his rear-view mirror a passenger distracting the driver. As they got closer to the intersection it appeared the driver behind was paying more attention to his passenger. Even a quick prayer did not avoid the inevitable - a minor rear end collision.

Exiting a tight parking space a motorist damaged a vehicle. As it was right across from a crowded bus stop, he couldn’t just drive away. To do the right thing, he got out a piece of paper, wrote on it and placed it under the windscreen wiper of the damaged car. The note read:

"If those people across the road at the bus stop really think I am leaving my name and address, they are mistaken. I may not know how to park properly, but I am not stupid."

To picture a U-Turn using a side street on the right, I explain to students the following:

"Let’s call this a P-Turn. Imagine the letter P. At air shows or other special events you may see a pilot write letters into the sky. Well, to U-Turn using a side street we have to do a ‘P’ on the road."

A country girl from Broken Hill in Outback Australia had her last driving lesson in Adelaide before returning home for the annual holiday. I urged her where possible to practice her manoeuvres while on holiday.

"Why can’t you practice hill starts? Are there no hills where you live?" I asked.

It is the year 2025. A prospective brain transplant client is shown around the hospital's brain storage area to select his chosen organ. The surgeon:

"This brain came from an Engineer, it costs $ 30 000. Here is one from a driving instructor. Because of it’s unique combination of skill, patience and will power it costs $50 000. Or, if you want to spend the extra, this brain of a recently deceased politician has just arrived. It is good value at $ 700 000.

"Excuse me," said the client, "an Engineer’s brain is worth 30 thousand dollars, a driving instructor’s 50 thousand, how come a politician's brain is that expensive?

"You must understand," explained the surgeon, "we searched everywhere to find any politician with a brain. And what’s more, this brain is in 'as new' condition, because it had been used very little."

The driving instructor was granted one wish from God. Because he loved Tasmania so much, he said to God: "Please provide a road between the mainland of Australia and Tasmania. I love the island so much and want to be able to drive over on holidays whenever.

God replied: "Do you know what fierce storms blow in Bass Strait? The waves can reach 15 meters and the distance is far too great. Please think of another wish."

The instructor thought for a moment, then asked God: "I would like all my learners to understand the clutch and gears on their first lesson.

The following joke illustrates perfectly how OTS thinking can turn a handicap into an advantage.

A publishing company was looking for a salesman to sell bibles door to door. They employed an ex- encyclopedia salesman. He managed to sell only 3 bibles on the first day. The second applicant did not much better flogging only 5 copies of the best seller.

Along came Winston. Win..Win..Winston had a p...p...roblem, he stuttered. Yet he appeared so confident at the interview that the publishers gave him a chance. Sure enough, he returned on the first day with a staggering figure of 35 bibles sold.

"Tell us, did you pray or something that you sold so many bibles?" the boss asked.

Winston replied: "W..w..w..what I do is th..th..this. I..I..I show them the b..b..bible and ask: " Y..y..you wanna b..b..buy the bible, o..o..or shall I r..r..read it to you?"

One Learner puzzled the driving instructor. After turning onto the main road the car would speed up to 40 km/h, quite normally, but then take 3 kilometers to reach the normal 60 km/h speed limit. This happened again, on the next lesson, after turning into the main road, normal acceleration up to a point, then it took the same three kilometers to reach 60.

After this happened the third time , the instructor paid special attention. Of course, there it was, the answer to the puzzle: Bus stop 40, Bus stop 41, Bus stop 42.

Students of all ages have trouble with their right and left. One particular one was so bad I wrote a small L on the back of the left hand. ‘Now you should have no more trouble getting right and left mixed up’, I hopefully exclaimed.

A short while later, I gave directions to turn right. Sure enough, the pupil turned left, much to my annoyance. I politely gave a reminder: ‘Just check on the back of your hand’.

Then came the logical reply: ‘I did, but you did not put an R on the other hand!’

If you receive a white envelope showing the words ‘Parking fine’ written in large letters, it has nothing to do with your skill of manoevering into a parking bay.

In South Australia we have fixed test routes. The rule is, that driving schools are only allowed to drive the students around the course for around 50 %. One instructor was called into the department after they found out, he shows the learners around the course from start to finish.

"Don’t you know Clause 12b, Section 4, Paragraph 7 that you are only allowed to show the student approx. half of the course?"

The officer asked: "Why then do you constantly show them from start to finish, breaking this rule?"

The witty instructor replied: "I’m not breaking any rule. I only show them the left half."

Fred’s lucky number was number 5. Booking into a motel he always asked for room number 5. Even before he was married he told his wife-to-be he wanted 5 children. He had a passion about number 5. When the Adelaide Cup was run on May 5th that year, he would not miss the opportunity for his lucky strike. He invested his entire savings of $ 5000 on horse number 5. It worked. His horse came fifth.

After I told my friend this joke recently, he commented that his lucky number is 2. He was serious; born on the 2nd of Feb., the second child in the family etc. At the November church camp he was booked into unit 22 by sheer co-incidence. We have not stopped teasing him since. A few weeks ago he and I visited a sick friend on the other side of the city and he was driving.

The instructor was moving away from the district. At the end of his last lesson he encouraged the student to continue lessons: "I’m sure your new instructor will be as good or even better than I am"

"I don’t think so," replied the student, "I had four instructors and they all gradually got worse."

The young man's Dad quickly replied "Once your grades are up, when I see you study your Bible daily and you've had a hair cut, then I'll arrange some driving lessons. Then we can also discuss whether you can drive the car."

About a month later the young man returned to his Dad, again asking if they could discuss using Dad's car. "Son, I'm real proud of you; your grades have improved greatly and you're studying your Bible every day, but you still haven't had a hair cut" his Dad replied.

"Dad, I've been thinking about that, and while studying the Bible I realized that Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, and even Jesus probably had long hair" replied his son.

"Yes", answered Dad, "and they walked everywhere they went."