Learner Driver Hub - FUN STUFF
THE WEDDING TEST - by Dieter Fischer

"Now, remember Bob, just relax and do the best you can". Angela was on the phone to her ‘husband to be’. She loved Bob above all and hoped that the wedding test, due to start in an hour, would finally be a success. "It better be - third time lucky", she said,"  the motel clerks will be annoyed, if we change bookings again. We only need an 85 % pass rate."

The previous two attempts were miserable, instant failures. Angela was as anxious to finally get over this hurtle as was Bob, and the many relatives, who patiently attended each event.

"I think the Reverend Ollfoil is strict on me, because he didn’t like me changing to the opposition church football team two years ago," lamented Bob. And if you would have worn that Mini-skirt, as I told you to, I guarantee we would have passed first time."

"Don’t be so mean darling. The Rev. Ollfoil gets paid to test our knowledge of pre-matrimony assurance regulations. He really is convinced he is producing better marriages by failing couples first time", said Angela. "He couldn’t really overlook obvious flaws like you dropping our wedding rings or us walking out of the church on the wrong side. What sort of marriages would we have, if they let everyone get away with blunders like this?"

Thinking about the dreaded wedding test pushed Bob’s anxious mind to the edge of depression. "What if I fail again?" he thought and now regretted to not have listened to his mate's suggestion and fled to Gretna Green a year earlier. It would have been so much easier to just sign a few papers and be married instantly. No puny, religious rules and regulations that did not contribute a thing to their relationship. Nobody ever fails a wedding ceremony in Gretna Green.

"If you wouldn’t have stretched out the wrong hand", said Bob, "I would have slipped the ring onto the correct finger.

"Don’t blame me darling," said Angela raising her voice a little. "I was nervous and got my right and left hand mixed up. You shouldn’t have used so much force and not broken my finger trying to slip in on!"

"I was hoping old Ollfoil, pardon the Reverend Joseph Ollfoil, wouldn’t see the mistake. We’d be off cruising along the French Riviera right now. But the second fail was really your fault, Angela. You should have warned me about the total pause in the singing in the second line of the second hymnal."

At the time Bob’s tenor voice had echoed joyfully and triumphantly, but lonely and terribly out of tune, above all others in an embarrassing solo. Reverend Ollfoil could not possibly pass someone not obeying a total pause. He knew that a critical observer was present; none other than Bishop Wotchitoll, who would have called him into his office and possibly taken his marriage celebrant’s licence away. The diocese hierarchy had sent him to conduct a quality-assurance-audit on Rev. Ollfoil’s ceremony that afternoon.

"You are right, Bob," said Angela, "without Wotchitoll watching it all, Ollfoil wouldn’t have been as strict and perhaps overlooked the minor mistakes.

An hour later, Bob sat patiently in the front row, rehearsing his part in the ceremony over and over in his head. Before the service the Reverend Ollfoil had whispered to Bob that Bishop Wotchitoll would not be present this time, and he wished him ‘good luck’. This eased Bob pre-test nerves somewhat.

Angela too was in good spirits. She arrived right on the dot at 3.15 pm and walked confidently down the isle with her patient father at her side. He’d had plenty of practice, his two other daughters each failed the tests too, the eldest 4 times, the other 5 times. In the car on the way her father had turned to Angela’s mother and had said: "Perhaps our daughters were not meant to be married." Angela had heard it. It upset her, but she was too excited to let it spoil her day.

Everything went perfectly for the first fifteen minutes. Angela solved the problem of the pause, by arranging to nudge Bob’s elbow just before the second line of the second hymn. She needn’t have worried. Bob decided to not sing at all, but only move his lips, just in case.

The moment of truth arrived. To contribute his 'two Bob’s worth' Bob had to say the two words I do. Disaster struck – Bob’s mind went totally blank. He was startled by the obvious silliness of the question. "Will you take this woman …? It didn’t make sense at all. He only went through this torture in order to take Angela and get out of the place. Why was the Minister now asking him, will you take this woman? Bob’s mind went bananas.

"Of course," he yelled at the top of his voice, "who else?" Deadly silence filled the room. Everyone knew the couple had blown it again. Angela looked at her embarrassed husband and struggled holding back the tears.

"I do, I do," Bob suddenly remembered, saying it confidently, as he regained composure. With a sigh of relief and thanking God that no auditor was present, Rev. Joseph Ollfoil acted as if nothing had happened. 

Bob in the meantime had pulled out the little box with the rings and slipped one gently onto Angela’s finger. "You may now kiss the bride." The six words, spoken by Rev. Ollfoil in his booming, baritone voice, sent Bob’s mind into a spin once again.

He knew at this point he had to perform a specific task, but what was it? While frantically trying to stir his memory what comes next, Angela kept bumping his elbow. This confused Bob even more. Why is she bumping me, no one is singing, he thought? 

Finally, Angela pointed at her mouth. Now he remembered he had to kiss her. In his nervousness Bob pressed his wide mouth against the white veil to meet her bright red lips, without lifting the veil. The white lace was red all over. The whole church was in stitches laughing, Bob’s face almost as red as Angela’s lipstick.

Rev. Jo Ollfoil shook his head in great irritation and yelled: "Lift that bloody veil first, you ..." Now Bob remembered what task he had forgotten to perform. Angela burst into tears as she turned and stormed down the isle and out the back door. She definitely broke the church's speed limit and was caught on more than one camera.

One month later:

"Hi Bob, darling". Angela finally reached her lover after trying for days unsuccessfully. "Finally I got you, where have you been? Guess what I found out? Your football coach is also a marriage celebrant. Did you know that?"

"No, I didn’t", replied Bob, "as a matter of fact"."Well, he is willing to fit us in after your match on Saturday evening at 5 pm", Angela continued all excited. "I said, I’ll speak to you first, but could see no objection. He wouldn’t fail one of his own players, surely? Just ask your team mates to let you score some goals in the match, Bob."

There was a long silence, as if Bob had been elbowed by a phantom Angela. She was surprised at his hesitation, expecting him to jump at the suggestion. She knew that something big was about to come out of his mouth. She was not disappointed.

"Angela, I, I .. don’t think it’s a good idea."

"Come on, Bob. What’s the matter, if you don’t get it this time I’ll consider taking up Winston’s offer…"

Angela meant it as a joke; but not Bob. He and Winston were the core attackers at the football team.

"You see", said Bob, "I met … someone else. We’re in love. She doesn’t mind us just …, you know, without having to go through all this rigid ceremony - Angela, are you still there? Angela! Hello!"

Angela was stunned for a moment. Now she remembered having seen Bob drive by with a female passenger a few days earlier

"So what I suspected is true. Very well then, Bob. No hard feelings. Winston will be very happy. I shall phone him immediately".

"We’ll still be friends, Angela," said Bob. "I hold no grudges either. And by the way Winston is right here. I have already asked him. 

He said yes; he is good at passing tests".